Puns & Such

Mathematical puns are the first sine of madness.

Mathematicians don’t grow old; they just lose some of their functions!

I love you more than a fat mathematician loves pi.

Baseball is 90% mental; the other half is physical. (Yogi Berra)

I have learned two words during my life that have opened many doors for me. Push and pull.

Today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

If mathematical puns are the first sine of madness, then are two mathematical puns the cosine of madness. That doesn’t make a lot of sense though. Because of that, I take the sine pun over the cosine statement. Alas though, that goes off on an entirely different tangent.

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not using it in a fruit salad. (Rev Run)

Anything can happen on any given Sunday, especially on Monday night. (John Gruden)

I used to have a dream that I was trapped in a woman’s body, but then I was born and it went away.

If I ate chicken of the sea, I could tuna piano.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

I put my root beer in a square cup; now it is just beer.

Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder’s house?  He hasn’t either.

A blind woman walked into a bar, then a stool, then the counter, …

There are 10 types of people in the world; those who know binary and those who don’t.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out’?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Death is the number one killer in the world.

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last long.

I know you aren’t use to Russian, but quit Stalin.

I hate to go camping; the activities are just too in tents.

An opinion without 3.14159… is just an onion.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?  He woke up.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

A woman said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I had never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I performed a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

I didn’t like my beard at first; then it grew on me.

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job, because she couldn’t control her pupils.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it is hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger; then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a bank, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All of the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

I took the job at the bakery, because I kneaded dough.

Velcro! What a rip-off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

More to come …